The Relentlessness of Surrendering

It has been a long time since I have written a blog. Perhaps it’s because I have nothing to say, perhaps it’s because I have too much to say.

What a whirlwind 2022 has been, it has been full of love lost, love gained. A sense of hope that things will turn for the better, a sense of hope that keeps me looking towards a moment in my life where I can feel truly at peace. Surrendering to my truth, one that like all of us, evolves with us and evolves with time.

The idea of surrendering has never been one that has come easy to me. Not an option that was given to me during my childhood when I had to face very mature moments and decisions at a very early age and not one that also seemed feasible as an immigrant coming at the age of thirteen with the ambitions to make the Vega last name proud.

You see, I have always seen the word and action of surrendering as a word that evokes fragility, weakness. When I started in the workforce, advertising to be specific; the notion was no different then. Starting in the multicultural space, meant that the seat at the table was NEVER given to me, I had to fight for it. I spent my 20s, being the first one at my desk and the last one to leave. I built a life around me that would allow for that, friendship and relationships all had to mold around that. The alternative was far too scary to even fathom. With that it didn’t mean that my human connections weren’t important, quite the opposite, they were all I had as an only child being raised away from her family. It just meant that they were carefully carved into my life, I worked extra hard to have what I thought at that time was the best of both worlds. My new family in this circle and the potential of making something of myself that my family back home would only wish for. You don’t give up on family, you don’t give up on your dreams. That’s just that.

This test has often been a part of my journey and continued to be solidified when I got cancer. I didn’t surrender and post-active treatment; I continue to challenge myself and the traumas that this ugly disease continues to haunt me with.

So all in all, this point of not surrendering has mostly done me right except for when I think about the balance between NOT surrendering all while letting life and destiny run its course. Arent those two things the exact opposite? I have always struggled and gone down a rabbit hole when I have tried to explain to myself when not giving up is a good thing and when is more beneficial (or realistic) to go with the flow. I find that the second one is way more complicated for me as it accounts for external factors and people that are out of my control. What is the right middle ground on this? Most specifically, what is that for me? I think humanity has many various questions that they spend their lifetime aiming to answer for. Some have many questions; others just obsess over one. I think you can depict where I sit in the spectrum on this one.

While I continue to be overwhelmed by all the various feelings this question stems for me, I continue to be intrigued to find an answer. Nice way to keep me busy, I say.

So, with that, I surrender to my reality that my question is still yearning for an answer, one that I will relentlessly continue to be in the search for. Bring it on, 2023.